HELLO IM BACK AT IT AGAIN
i keep on editing my old posts and ugh i better stop!!! this isnt healthy
T_T
11/12/17
so ok i am abandoning my main blog bc i just turned 18 last October 29
i suppose i am not an adolescent any longer. whatever. am not entirely sure. and it is not like i have come to outgrow most of my unpleasant habits overnight. no. am basically the same as ever
actually, i am conditioning myself to try yet another new thing out. because this does give me the signal that i ought to turn into a new leaf. ought to not dwell as that infuriating plus lazy bean. ought to not perpetually stay on the same plane, you know?
i take it back. ofc im not abandoning my main blog (pulsatic) yet. will abandon this one (spacesault) instead. then again, who knows
#still have another blog here on tumblr
#taking note of my birthday xD
12.14 am
every time i open tumblr, there is nostalgia. it’s like a blanket that i put over myself and i’m back to 2012. the dim interface, the familiar names. and then i think to myself ‘i am not sad anymore.’ sadness is a feeling. it was a state for years. i was sad. it was an intense hopelessness and an idle time of my life when all i wished for was for it to end. and then it ended. i still don’t know how. i woke up one day hating myself less and less. and now i’m not sad. and i go back to this place, this virtual space remembering the feeling, the ache, the suffocation of something intangible. 2018 is a big year. i keep reminding myself how far i’ve gone. but also how shallow it all is. how meaningless. but also meaningful. i am tethered. but also floating in between. i am not sad. but sometimes i find myself clawing at the seams of my happiness. what a life. what years.
11/10/18
oct 29, i turned 19 and i started to see my father in a different, or in this instance, in a more positive light once more. we happened to visit my grandfather’s (my father’s father) grave. went out and bought stuff to eat. idk, just that after all the drama that did unfold over the yrs, im glad some things are getting better. then again, i recognize that i can really be lazy. my father now does the laundry as well. he does scold us bc of that. i know. im sorry. i love my father and the same goes to my sisters and to mama
felt bad though (tas oo tampo rin haha) bc most of my peers from my social circle in uni forgot. isnt really important any longer. i understand the enrollment process is stressful and birthdays oftentimes do not mean so much anymore, yet another day to most, and admittedly im guilty of this bc im not that fond anymore of the idea of being close to many people. i truly know
2nd sem will start on monday and okay acads here we go
a part of me wants to discard the social aspect of my life bc people can be shitty, bc i can be so hard to put up with. bc when im at home mindin my own business, sometimes i speak and complain the fuck out of all those people’s bullshit and i reflect due to my attitude
not like this all the time. i can be ok and i can appreciate. or well i can also not give a fuck. depends
i can and i will
i passed last year’s upcat but presently, im not studying in up
a promise that as much as possible, i will not open up to just about anyone in real life. i hope i keep this one.
“I think it’s important to realize you can miss something, but not want it back.”— Paulo Coelho
:) :) :)